It’s been a depressing outdated yr, usually mirrored on this area – so possibly it’s time to inject some festive cheer with an thrilling new Swiftian parlour sport: Fantasy Soccer for Fascists (FFF). Preferrred for dictators, autocrats, strongmen, neo-Stalinists, far-right nationalist-populists or simply college students of geopolitics, it’s fanatical enjoyable for all of the household!
Underneath standard fantasy soccer guidelines, imaginary groups are composed of real-life gamers from the Premier League. In FFF, the principal gamers are sometimes politicians and public figures who exhibit excessive totalitarian tendencies. Main FFF groups embody Donald Trump’s Mad Offended Geezers Athletic (Maga) and Vladimir Putin’s Higher Russia United (GRU). China has the Xi XI.
As a useful introduction to the sport, the Observer imagines what would possibly occur in the event that they competed towards each other at an FFF World Cup. Host venues embody Tiananmen Sq., Riyadh and Charlottesville.
Fantasy Soccer for Fascists World Cup 2025: Knockout phases
Taiwan City v Xi XI: This war-like conflict was performed out not on grass however on Taiwan’s seashores and sea approaches. The winner-takes-all neighbourhood derby, dramatised by Xi’s aggressive hype, ultranationalist chants, flags and anthems, noticed the outnumbered underdogs’ last-ditch defensive position disintegrate underneath an invasive Chinese language excessive press. Dive-bombing headers by veteran left-wingers Mao Z and Deng X gifted Xi’s XI a 2-1 win in harm time.
Ukraine Freedom Fighters v Higher Russia United: The spook-led GRU, enjoying away to Kyiv’s most interesting for a 3rd straight yr, once more did not safe victory on the sphere. V Zelenskyy’s heroic defenders have been lowered to 10 males early in 2025 after midfield dynamo J Biden was stretchered off with a head harm and there was no ample substitute to exchange him. Energy-crazed GRU hacker V Putin was red-carded for persistent foul play by prime UN referee António Guterres. Further time being performed.
Land of Israel v Persian Wanderers: Bitter opponents with a protracted historical past of enmity, each groups gave away penalties for violent play and have been warned about touchline punch-ups. The competition was ultimately known as off after Palestinians within the Temple Mount Stand complained Israel had moved the goalposts (once more). After a VAR evaluation, officers sitting in The Hague mentioned Israel’s hardline head coach, B Netanyahu, and deputy strongman, Y Gallant, have been wished for questioning. FFF season-ticket holders recognized as B Smotrich, I Ben-Gvir, B Assad, M Salman, A Khamenei, T Erdoğan and A Sisi obtained life bans for hooliganism.
Little England v Federal Europe: Taking part in at Farage Memorial Stadium atop the white cliffs of Dover, England struggled to observe a sport plan devised by mercurial right-winger B Johnson. In an eccentric tactical strategy, all 11 gamers retreated to their very own goalline, closed their eyes, sang Land of Hope and Glory and made V for victory indicators. Objectives by M Barnier, Ursula von der Leyen (2), A Merkel and E Cantona noticed Europe run out simple 0-5 winners. Johnson was later changed by midfield maestro Okay “on me ’ed” Starmer, who vowed to rebuild the group (and the nation).
India Put up-Imperials v Pakistan Academicals: The greatest grudge match of the 2025 FFF finals was additionally probably the most uncommon, with each side preferring to play fantasy check cricket. Led by India’s high-handed spinner, N Modi, and Pakistan’s nationalist-populist all-rounder, I Khan, the groups bowled relatively than kicked the ball and indulged in racist and spiritual sledging alongside Kashmir’s line of management – for 5 days. Match postponed.
Dangerous Korea v Good Korea: On this nuclear-charged face-off, Dangerous Korea dictator Kim Jong-un’s bellicose lineup was weakened by the absence of key gamers, mentioned to be having fun with a vacation in Russia. After surviving an early barrage of explosive near-misses, Good Korea Spurs star Son Heung-min blasted the ball into the online like a rocket. Kim went ballistic as a rout ensued. Your entire Dangerous Korea group was executed after the sport. Last rating: Dangerous Korea 0, Good Korea 9.
Fantasy Soccer for Fascists World Cup Last 2025. Venue: Mar-a-Lago Laager, Florida
Mad Offended Geezers Athletic v Remainder of the World XI
After a pulsating begin to the ultimate, Maga took the lead when right-winger Steve Bannon escaped his police marker and fired a shot previous Remainder of the World ’keeper Justin Trudeau (with an automated assault rifle).
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In a sensational burst, Maga scored three extra instances whereas the Remainder of the World group have been within the altering rooms on a tea break. Their protests that it was half-time have been rejected by Maga player-manager, D Trump. He mentioned: “I make the foundations now. Suck it up, losers!”
The second half was a distinct story. T Carlson, R Giuliani and J Bolton have been booked for claiming VAR is a deep state conspiracy. M Pompeo fluffed a penalty, taking pictures wildly to the fitting. Maga hearts sank additional when well being tsar Robert F Kennedy Jr failed a drug check.
The Remainder of the World’s tiki-taka techniques lastly paid off with 5 quick-fire targets. Trump accomplished Maga’s distress, scoring a last-minute personal objective underneath stress over his disastrous world commerce tariffs, unlawful migrant expulsions, abject give up to Russia and Center East meddling.
Complaining of a sore ear, Trump was substituted late on by JD Vance – however that solely made issues worse (for everybody). Last rating: Maga: 4 (Bannon, Melania, Ivanka, Hulk Hogan), Remainder of the World XI: 6 (Messi, Ronaldo, D Tusk, T Swift, D Abbott, D Trump og)
Golden Boot Memorial Award: Alexei Navalny
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