Late-night hosts talked the floundering US financial system beneath Donald Trump, as Republican allies search to deflect blame away from Trump’s tariffs.
Jimmy Kimmel
“Welcome to a different episode of ‘how the hell can we make this humorous?’” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Tuesday night. Within the seven weeks since Trump took workplace, “it’s been a lot worse than I believe anybody thought it will be,” he continued. “We’re associates with Russia now, we’re dumping the Division of Schooling, we’re forcing ourselves on Canada.”
After which there’s Trump’s tariffs, which he’s utilizing as a cudgel to encourage Canada to affix the US. Trump even posted on Reality Social: “The one factor that is smart is for Canada to turn into our cherished Fifty First State. This may make all Tariffs, and all the things else, completely disappear.”
“He’s transferring on Canada like a bitch and nobody’s stopping him,” Kimmel marveled. “That is how Jafar from Aladdin tried to mate with Princess Jasmine.
“I absolutely consider that the primary time Trump mentioned he wished to make Canada a state, he was kidding,” continued. “However then one in all his lackeys mentioned, ‘Wow, that’s an important thought, Mr President, and now it’s an important thought. Despite the fact that it’s a fully loopy thought that may by no means, ever occur.”
In the meantime, the inventory market continues to pattern downward amid confusion over Trump’s tariffs on Canada and Mexico. However “after endlessly bragging and mendacity about how nicely the inventory market did throughout his first time period as president,” mentioned Kimmel, “hastily the inventory market doesn’t actually matter as a result of ‘we’re in a interval of transition,’” because the White Home press secretary put it.
“The Maga media, as a result of they know daddy Donald is at all times watching, is bending over backwards to attempt to spin the truth that Trump is deliberately crashing the financial system for causes unknown,” Kimmel defined. One Fox Information commentator even in contrast the downturn to a drug addict going off heroin, requiring methadone earlier than “they attain a stage of well being”.
“Proper, that is smart,” Kimmel deadpanned. “A nation of drug addicts picked a felony to run the operation.”
He added: “These guys are working so laborious to inform us that this catastrophe we’re watching unfold earlier than our very eyes is a part of the plan.”
Stephen Colbert
“Of us, I do know issues are spinning uncontrolled proper now, however I wish to reassure you that all the things goes to be OK,” mentioned Stephen Colbert on the Late Present. “I wish to, however I can’t, as a result of I’m not that good of a liar.”
On Monday, “the Dow slipped on Trump’s tariffs and fell down an elevator shaft, and at this time it saved bonking its head on the best way down,” plunging greater than 450 factors. In simply the final three weeks, the US inventory market has misplaced $4tn in worth. Consultants now warn that the danger of a recession is about 40%. “And you may inform that even Fox Information is taking that significantly,” mentioned Colbert, “as a result of they’re already mendacity about it.
“Now, the White Home is scrambling to persuade the American those who unhealthy financial information is simply a part of the plan,” Colbert defined. As one White Home aide put it: “It’s laborious to tear the Band-Help off with out getting some blood all over the place.”
“You realize issues are heading in the right direction when your rationalization entails the phrase ‘blood all over the place’,” Colbert quipped. “I’m no physician, and to not quibble, but when there’s blood capturing out, perhaps it’s not time to tear the Band-Help off?
“Possibly it’s time to placed on a second Band-Help,” he continued. “Or, name me loopy, perhaps herald any person who is aware of find out how to repair the outdated bloodhole, as an alternative of trusting the man with the hat that claims Make America Blood In every single place.”
However “there’s a silver lining to the implosion of the world financial system: it’s unhealthy for Elon Musk, too,” Colbert added to cheers. On Monday alone, Musk misplaced greater than $16bn, and Tesla inventory has plummeted 50% since December. “There’s a very good purpose for that,” Colbert famous. “It’s a phenomenon economists name ‘all people fucking hates that man.’”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Evening, Seth Meyers recapped a press convention by which Trump defended his financial plan with the assertion: “What I’ve to do is construct a robust financial system.”
“Cool! Everytime you’re prepared …” Meyers joked.
On Monday, Trump signed a number of extra government orders. “In associated information, comfortable Nationwide Moist T-Shirt Day!” Meyers quipped.
Trump then declared March to be Ladies’s Historical past Month, “and added ‘ladies have finished loads for us,’” mentioned Meyers. “The truth is, generally they accomplish that a lot, you must pay them $130,000 in hush cash.”
Trump can also be reportedly contemplating tariffs on Russia, “which implies we’re all going to be paying a bit bit extra for our … caviar?” Meyers puzzled. “I can’t pay extra for caviar and eggs.”
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