I’ve by no means been a superb liar. I can hint it again to my early faculty days, the place my excuses for unfinished homework have been by no means convincing, or I’d guiltily double again on even the smallest of fibs. With a realizing look, my mom would say: “Georgina …” She instilled a reverence for the reality, which was sure to the thought of doing the suitable factor. She wasn’t fallacious: constructing belief is essential in forming sturdy bonds in any relationship dynamic.
However, like most youngsters, I gently smudged the boundaries of reality, from concealing my bellybutton piercing, to “borrowing” my brother’s automotive to satisfy a boy I fancied. Notably, my untruths have been instructed within the data that they’d most likely later be found (though I hadn’t banked on the flat tyre) and, wanting again, they have been usually linked with an early exploration of my sexual id.
After the pandemic, and the top of a long-term relationship, I returned to the flat I shared with a good friend and signed as much as a relationship app – utilizing a faux identify. I’ve at all times been a sucker for disguise – give me a themed social gathering and I’m there in a wig, a cowboy hat and a faux moustache – and the app I’d chosen, Feeld, permits customers to choose another identify, or an alter ego.
Feeld guarantees a barely spicier variation on on-line relationship than ordinary. You’ll be able to match with folks searching for monogamous relationships, but in addition myriad different dynamics: open relationships, events, {couples} searching for a 3rd particular person (or “unicorn”) to hitch them, for instance. It goals to be inclusive of all genders, sexualities and kinks in a consensual, protected setting. The pseudonyms aren’t meant to be duplicitous, however to create house to discover a brand new persona. Signal me up, I believed. Enter “Anna”.
Dipping my toe on this courageous new world felt like strolling barefoot and drunk at Disneyland. I used to be greeted by folks utilizing the names of movie characters, innuendoes, random objects, initials. Most had a “regular” first identify – some their actual identify, however most of the time their center identify or, like Anna, one chosen at random. For me, relationship had at all times been a wierd liminal house between my non-public and public self, however this was one other stage.
There’s something joyful in turning into a unique particular person for a small window of time. I discovered a complete new language, full of acronyms and displayed in Technicolor. As Anna, I had the armour to disclose for the primary time – publicly, but in addition to myself – what I needed to discover romantically, together with relationship women and men. It felt overwhelming, but in addition thrilling.
Below the “wig” of Anna, I may really feel myself being extra relaxed with my matches. Disguise is attractive and inherently comical, so it helped carry humour to my connections. The standard of dialog was a lot better than I’d had on extra “conventional” relationship apps, which typically appear set as much as regurgitate a CV rather than a profile. I knew my matches and I wouldn’t simply be capable of lookup one another on social media and I discovered I made fewer assumptions based mostly on data comparable to job titles, which weren’t shared as a matter after all.
I ought to caveat that, as with every relationship app, having a unique identify didn’t make me immune from the numerous pitfalls of contemporary relationship. Anna actually wasn’t a one-stop resolution to avoiding the disgrace or scrutiny that ladies, particularly, can usually encounter inside a romantic or sexual context. However utilizing a faux identify felt like a communal entry level; after I’d clicked with somebody, I might at all times reveal my actual identify and they might reveal theirs. I loved the ceremony of this second – it felt like cracking open a Terry’s chocolate orange at Christmas.
“Anna” was hungry for journey and eager to chase the enjoyable of relationship; she grew to become the Computer virus in a few of my most ridiculous quests. It was a mindset that appeared to stay, even as soon as my actual identify had been disclosed. I found many fascinating, humorous folks working below pseudonyms, together with medical doctors, attorneys, TV writers and comedians who needed, maybe, some detachment from their skilled selves.
For now, I’m mendacity dormant within the app, happy with a change of hair color as my newest reinvention. I nonetheless consider there’s worth in seeing your self by means of another person’s eyes – and that may be laborious to do when utilizing a start identify, which tends to be tightly intertwined along with your id and experiences. Utilizing a pseudonym might have began as a method for me to embrace my sexuality and uncover various relationships, but it surely helped to sharpen my concentrate on what I need from life extra broadly. It gave me a renewed confidence, which, in itself, feels just like the sort of romance that’s uncommon to seek out on the apps.
Per-Verse, written and carried out by Georgie Wedge, is at Riverside Studios, London, 3-19 April
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