Stephen Colbert
Greater than 5 months after he went off the air for the writers strike, Stephen Colbert returned to the Ed Sullivan Theater for a Late Present monologue on Monday night. “Oh, it feels good to be again,” he stated.
“Now the writers strike is over with a brand new contract that features protections for AI, value of dwelling will increase, higher pay for streaming,” he added. “Plus, due to the picket strains, my writers obtained contemporary air and sunshine, and they don’t take care of that. Now they’re again safely of their joke holes, doing what they do finest: making my prompter phrase display full of excellent and haha.”
Rather a lot had occurred since he final took to the stage – “I consider we’ve been off the air for 154 indictments. It was a loopy summer season to be off,” he quipped. So Colbert tried to zoom by means of as a lot 2023 information as attainable, together with: King Charles’s coronation, the primary Trump indictment for mishandling categorized paperwork, Barbenheimer, Elon Musk’s rebrand of Twitter to X (“to which the world replied: why?”) and one other Trump indictment for fueling the January sixth rebellion.
And, in fact, Trump’s mugshot for a 3rd indictment in Georgia. “That’s one anger-glazed ham,” Colbert joked.
He additionally touched on the opposite nice saga of the second: Taylor Swift doubtlessly courting Kansas Metropolis Chiefs tight-end Travis Kelce, after she was seen cheering him on at two Sunday video games in a row. “That is all nice publicity for the NFL,” Colbert famous. “Mere rumors that Tay-Tay is perhaps ultimately evening’s game-game despatched ticket costs surging greater than 40%. It was that you simply couldn’t afford to look at Taylor Swift. Now you may’t afford to look at Taylor Swift watch one thing.”
However “the Swift Carry just isn’t restricted to tickets”, he continued. “Her maybe-boyfriend’s jersey noticed a 400% spike in gross sales,” and the jean shorts she was carrying are actually bought out in all places.
“All the pieces she touches is immediately revitalized” he surmised, giving him an concept: “Taylor, if this relationship doesn’t work out, is there any means you can begin courting considered one of our nation’s crumbling bridges?”
Jimmy Kimmel
“We’ve been gone so lengthy the Bachelor is now a grandfather,” Jimmy Kimmel quipped throughout his first present again in Los Angeles. The brand new writers contract is “a giant win for the little man and a giant win for the chubby man and the bushy dude and the bizarre lady who doesn’t make eye contact, and the for the 2 potheads within the Star Wars T-shirts which might be too small for his or her our bodies and the man who’s too outdated to have a ponytail and the girl whose cats every have their very own Instagram pages,” he stated. “We name them writers, and they’re all again to work.”
“We hope that the actors and the auto staff and the healthcare staff all get the contracts they deserve, too.”
Kimmel then pivoted to his favourite goal: Donald Trump, who now faces 91 felony counts. “It’s like all of Melania’s birthday needs got here true without delay,” Kimmel joked.
The host famous that, for many tales in the course of the summer season, he was not tempted to have the present again to remark. However “the one that actually obtained me was once they booked Trump in Georgia and he self-reported his weight at 215lbs. I virtually crossed the picket line for that,” he stated. “If he’s 215lbs, which means he’s 30lbs lighter than his final bodily when he was president. He was 245lbs, which implies he’s both mendacity or the colonel is now frying his rooster in Ozempic.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night time Seth Meyers thanked many individuals for getting the present again to work. “I by no means take this present without any consideration, however being away from it for so long as I’ve been away from it, actually hits residence how a lot I like having this as a office,” he stated.
“I’ve an amazing relationship with the individuals who run this place, and regardless that we had been on reverse sides in the course of the strike, I wish to thank them,” he added. “They made some very compassionate selections in regards to the individuals who work at this present and at this community, and it didn’t go unnoticed. They’ve my gratitude for that.”
In a separate, half-hour nearer look section, Meyers then tore by means of 5 months’ value of Trump information, together with his fraud case in New York. “This ruling undercuts his whole mythology. All the pieces about him is a lie,” he stated. “Not solely had been his companies and internet value inflated, however he even pretended that his personal condo was thrice larger than it truly was. Subsequent we’re going to seek out out that he and Melania are simply pals. I’m kidding – pals like one another.”
“And but in some way, this fraud trial might find yourself being the least of Trump’s considerations,” as he has 4 upcoming prison trials, three of which have trial dates scheduled. “The faraway frontrunner for the GOP nomination is dealing with 4 indictments and a civil fraud case towards his whole enterprise. However truthful is truthful, and I do wish to give the Republican social gathering credit score,” he deadpanned. “I’m comfortable to report that within the 5 months since we had been final on the air, the GOP has undergone a radical transformation right into a critical, sober-minded assortment of diligent professionals able to competently administering the fundamental features of presidency.”
“I’m simply kidding – it’s nonetheless an ass-over tea kettle clusterfuck.”
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