If you’ve obtained an Xbox and any sense, you’ll be spending this Christmas taking part in the brand new Indiana Jones recreation. And maybe feeling smug in regards to the reality it’s a timed unique, leaving PlayStation homeowners to press their noses towards the frosted glass like Victorian orphans.
However dry your tears, PS5 followers, for I’ve discovered the sport that can save Christmas. And it prices 79p. Say good day, and ho ho ho, to Santa’s Speedy Quest.
I found this gem whereas trawling the PlayStation Retailer for affordable, horrible video games to snort at on my Twitch stream. (That is additionally how I found the seminal traditional Stroke the Beaver, however that’s one other story.) SSQ suits the invoice, being extremely low-cost (it’s really solely 23p you probably have a PlayStation Plus subscription) and ostensibly horrible. But it surely’s additionally addictive, hilarious, and far more layered than it first seems.
At one level throughout the stream, I could have described it as the head of the online game medium. That is perhaps a bit robust, very like the three pints of Baileys I’d consumed beforehand. However I stand by the assertion that in its personal simplistic, fiendish method, Santa’s Speedy Quest is a piece of twisted genius.
As you’d count on, SSQ doesn’t have the blockbuster polish and excessive manufacturing values of Indiana Jones and the Nice MacGuffin. It seems prefer it was made in Microsoft Paint. Nor does it include any authentic gameplay concepts, until you rely “Flappy Fowl, however make it Santa” as progressive.
It’s a set of eight mini-games. All of them are acquainted. None of them could be thrilling choices on their very own. Two of the video games are variations on the idea of “dodge the snowball”, the variation being whether or not the snowballs come in direction of you vertically or horizontally. There aren’t any collectibles, well being potions or power-ups. There is no such thing as a multiplayer mode, no on-line play. You possibly can’t even pause it – press begin and the sport carries on within the background, with the metaphysically difficult message: “YOU CAN’T STOP THIS GAME.”
It’s like Christmas 2008 once more. Again then, the success of the Wii meant the market was flooded with mini-game collections that ranged in high quality from poor to destitute. I used to be compelled to evaluate a lot of them simply to place meals on the desk on Christmas Day, and ended up having an existential disaster over Hasbro Household Sport Evening. I’m nonetheless unsure it was value shedding my thoughts for a Viennetta.
However right here’s the twist: Santa’s Speedy Quest doesn’t allow you to select which mini-game you want to play. You will need to play all of them. In a random order. Consecutively, with no breaks. For just a few seconds at a time. At an more and more quick tempo, which ramps up at seemingly arbitrary intervals.
“SPEED IS NOW 1.4X,” the sport will shout at you. 2.6X. 3.2X. This presents a peculiar problem on your mind as it’s repeatedly compelled to modify between acquainted gameplay mechanics operating at unbelievable speeds, with zero discover. All of the whereas, an electro piano model of Jingle Bells loops endlessly within the background, additionally rising in pace, so the notes develop into warped and mangled, as for those who’re in a horror movie set in a fairground. You possibly can’t cease this recreation.
And right here’s the kicker, the devilish element that actually elevates Santa’s Speedy Quest from under common mini-game assortment to diabolical sisyphean masterpiece. The sport takes a snapshot every time it boots you into a unique mini-game, and when you’re returned, gameplay continues from that actual level.
This introduces strategic decisions. Do you attempt to be sure you’re at all times leaving your self in a very good place to select up the place you left off? Do you try and mentally log every state of play each time you’re kicked out, and keep in mind which button to press if you’re returned? Or do you neglect all that, and desperately depend on reflexes which might be dulled by the very fact you’re 47, perimenopausal and have had three pints of Baileys?
Every time you fail at a mini-game it’s deleted from the roster, till none stay, and the sport ends. You might be then offered with a rating, and a breakdown of your efficiency in 5 key areas – Velocity, Coordination, Timing, Reflex, and Determine. There’s a leaderboard, populated by believable-sounding participant names like SHADOWBLADE23, but it surely’s faux; there isn’t any on-line performance.
I do know this as a result of SSQ has actually taken off in my Twitch group, however our excessive scores don’t present up on one another’s leaderboards. As a substitute we’re compelled to resort to sharing screenshots on Discord as proof of our endeavours. But it surely doesn’t matter. We’re having a marvellous time.
That’s as a result of Santa’s Speedy Quest is strictly the sport we’d like presently of yr. Straightforward for non-gamers to select up, exhausting for critical gamers to grasp, glorious for reigniting historic feuds and engendering bitterly fought rivalries. It’s a vulgar, foolish, cynical cash-in reliant on outdated concepts and mawkish nostalgia. However isn’t every part presently of yr?
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