Late-night hosts talked Donald Trump’s warfare on plastic straws, Pete Hegseth’s “weight-reduction plan woke” renaming of Fort Liberty and the Philadelphia Eagles’ Tremendous Bowl parade.
Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump had a busy schedule on Tuesday – “he was on TV from morning till night time,” Jimmy Kimmel reported on Tuesday night. “It’s just like the Jerry Lewis telethon with this man.
“All day, reporters in there, he’s taking questions, he’s having conferences, all crucial stuff,” Kimmel deadpanned. Equivalent to: canceling the penny, altering the title of the Gulf of Mexico, and ending the scourge of paper straws.
Kimmel may solely chuckle at a video of the White Home employees secretary, Will Scharf, explaining the plastic straw govt order to Trump. “I like that nerd who has to face subsequent to him and faux these are like critical issues – ‘For too a few years, seatbelts have been beeping till you buckle up. This govt order will free us from their tyranny.’”
Trump defined the order as: “These items don’t work, and I’ve had them many instances. Occasionally, they break, they explode. If one thing’s sizzling, they don’t final very lengthy.”
“Wait a minute, I’m with him on it not lasting very lengthy, however they explode?” Kimmel exclaimed. “His straws are exploding? How exhausting is he sucking?
“The rationale we switched to these admittedly horrible paper straws within the first place is as a result of plastic straws wind up within the ocean and so they kill marine life, which is I assume one other argument Trump, a well known hater of sharks, doesn’t purchase,” Kimmel continued. As Trump put it: “I don’t suppose that plastic goes to have an effect on a shark very a lot, as they’re munching their approach by the ocean.”
“Like Pac-Man, they’re simply munching their approach by the ocean,” Kimmel laughed. “That diploma in marine biology is admittedly coming in helpful.
“The very fact of the matter is: Trump loves plastic,” Kimmel concluded. “Most of his wives are made from plastic. We’re going to have loads of plastic in our future.”
The Each day Present
On the Each day Present, Jordan Klepper checked in on Pete Hegseth, “Trump’s prime cupboard member, for those who go by blood-alcohol stage”. Hegseth bought the job “by promising to go to warfare in opposition to woke,” and on Tuesday, “he gained one other decisive battle” by reverting the title of Fort Liberty to Fort Bragg. The title was modified in 2023 as a part of efforts to chop navy honors for Accomplice troopers.
“Bragg is again!” Hegseth bragged in a video of him signing the order.
“Yeah, suck it libs!” Klepper joked. “You didn’t need this navy base to honor a traitor to America? Haha, too dangerous! Woke is useless, and Accomplice basic Braxton Bragg is alive.”
Besides, in a memorandum, the Pentagon defined the choice was in honor of a distinct Bragg – Roland L Bragg, who fought within the second world warfare. “Whoa, wait, you renamed Fort Bragg after a completely different Bragg?” Klepper questioned. “So in any case that bitching about not giving into woke historical past, you’re principally admitting that we shouldn’t title navy bases after Accomplice generals. Effectively, it’s a very good factor woke is over, as a result of I feel I can say this now: that’s a pussy transfer, Hegseth.
“Both decide to honoring a Accomplice basic, or don’t,” he added. “However looking for some type of title loophole is simply foolish.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night time, Seth Meyers recapped information that Trump spoke with Vladimir Putin to attempt to negotiate an finish to the warfare in Ukraine, which Trump says by no means would have occurred if he had been in workplace. “As a result of if Trump was president, we would’ve invaded Ukraine,” Meyers added.
In different information, Time Journal launched a brand new cowl exhibiting Elon Musk sitting behind the president’s Resolute Desk. “Effectively, you’re going to need to make a slight change if you’d like Trump to see it,” mentioned Meyers subsequent to a mock-up of the duvet rebranded as Penthouse.
Dealer Joe’s introduced that the grocery chain can be limiting egg purchases to 1 dozen per buyer per day. “Although, for those who’re going by that many eggs, I’m guessing you’re used to being restricted?” Meyers quipped.
And the Philadelphia Eagles are set to carry their Tremendous Bowl victory parade on Valentine’s Day, “in what’s being known as the last word check for Philadelphia boyfriends”, Meyers joked.