Friday, September 17, 2021
HomeU.S.ABoris Johnson’s crime technique was one other pile of mud | Stewart...

Boris Johnson’s crime technique was one other pile of mud | Stewart Lee

Earlier this week a pile of mud was dumped on the west finish of Oxford Road. Then some squares of grass had been caught on the mud. Then folks had been charged £8 to go up it. Customer Emma Wright tweeted that going up the mud was “the worst factor I’ve ever achieved in London”. However I imagine it was Dr Johnson who wrote: “A lady who thinks going up some mud is the worst factor she has ever achieved in London has not visited the women’ bathrooms in Crystal Palace park. And neither have I.”

The mud’s function is to advertise Oxford Road, the place 17% of retailers have closed since March 2020. However in the long run, the easiest way to avoid wasting retailers is to drive Amazon to pay correct tax, so it can’t undercut them. Making folks pay £8 to go up mud won’t do that. Although British Amazon items are delivered from British Amazon warehouses to British Amazon clients on British roads by British drivers, the gross sales of these items are processed in flippantly regulated Luxembourg. Can it’s a coincidence that as the online tightens on Amazon, its founder, Jeff Bezos, is lobbying Nasa to place Amazon in command of outer house?

What tax would Bezos pay on a transaction that was processed on the moon, for instance, or on a planet so distant that by the point the sunshine from it reached us the monetary change may legitimately be considered as having taken place in a earlier tax 12 months? Would Bezos be capable of keep away from worldwide delivery expenses on items offered from a “lunar fulfilment heart”? Would the identical employment rules that give human warehouse workers minimal however profit-damaging rights be relevant to workers enslaved from some as but unknown alien race? Would an alien with no bladder require expensive bathroom breaks? Would an alien with no idea of time as we perceive it have to be paid by the hour, if in any respect? Would Bezos finally be capable of rule all of house, like Thanos, Marvel Comics’ cosmic nihilist? To Jeff Thanos, some mud on Oxford Road is however mere mud. He can want worlds away with a click on of his fingers.

However the Oxford Road pile of mud did its job. It acquired folks speaking. In that respect, Boris Johnson’s Tuesday crime technique announcement was additionally a pile of mud. Count on to see “fluorescent-jacketed chain gangs” of offenders, the prime minister declared, the phrases instantly ringing my woke alarm bells. I consulted humanity’s hive thoughts. As I believed. About 65% of the Google picture search outcomes for the phrases “chain gang” had been shackled black males, whereas 4% had been of a convict Mickey Mouse, and of some chained infants, doing time for cheese theft and milk concealment offences respectively.

Boris Johnson could in fact have invoked the recent potato of race right here intentionally, below directions from his tradition struggle guru, the previous intercourse celebration fixer Dougie Smith (although it’s understood Smith could have been reined in now the federal government are being blamed for the soccer racism they actively inspired). Was the chain gang thought introduced to enchantment to horrible Tory voters understanding that it must be quietly withdrawn later, a basic technique of the Boris Johnson authorities?

Within the Day by day Telegraph, Britain’s worst newspaper, an unnamed spokesperson swiftly clarified that “chain gang” was simply “a flip of phrase”, like “piccaninnies”, “watermelon smiles”, and “bum boys”. However one might be forgiven for pondering there have been plans to shackle litter-pickers, provided that the house secretary floated stashing baby migrants on Ascension Island and is within the strategy of criminalising lifeboat volunteers in the event that they help drowning foreigners. If Priti Patel introduced she was personally going to tar and feather shoplifters it could appear believable.

The shoe restore millionaire James Timpson took to Twitter to say he employs a lot of ex-offenders and makes them put on not shackles and luminous waistcoats however a shirt and tie – “similar folks, completely different method, a significantly better consequence”. Come the revolution Timpson shall be house secretary whereas Priti Patel shall be in a sales space at Oxford Circus tube station reheeling a pair of Topshop sling heels and burping.

Subsequent we discovered {that a} Boris Johnson crackdown on medication will concentrate on London, Liverpool, Bristol, Newcastle and Wakefield. However certainly this should embody Westminster itself the place, in 2019, Vice journal discovered cocaine in 4 out of 9 parliamentary nooks – bathrooms primarily – that would solely be accessed by passholders, or their visitors. That may’t all have been Michael Gove within the Nineties, or the younger Boris Johnson, sneezing his means by way of his single ineffectual snort.

Black Lives Matter need to defund the police and make investments as a substitute in neighborhood sources to maintain folks out of crime. Doing the Marxists’ work for them, the Conservatives have been defunding the police typically since 2010 (officer numbers nonetheless haven’t recovered), and personally in 2021 by refusing them the pay rise given to different public service staff. However dumping the mud of those unworkable new regulation and order pronouncements has labored. A main minister who as London mayor allowed £126,000 of public cash (£11,500 of which got here from a Metropolis Corridor-funded company) to go to a pole-dancing businesswoman he was having intercourse with, and whose ministers routinely seem to have awarded with out due course of contracts price thousands and thousands to cronies, regularly escapes imprisonment, whereas petty offenders shall be paraded in fluorescent jackets, like Chinese language thought criminals within the Cultural Revolution.

But it surely’s at all times edifying to listen to a lecture on legal behaviour from a primary minister who, after a easy YouTube search, might be heard agreeing to conspire with a convicted fraudster to have a journalist crushed up on the understanding that he stays nameless. Finished. Now, perhaps I’ll go up that mud in spite of everything.

Rescheduled 2022 dates of Stewart’s 2020 tour are on sale

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